Clerical Officer

n part 1 of this series (seen here: http://www.marketingwords.com/articles/articles_subtlechanges.html), we were introduced to Kneelsit.com, Australian manufacturer of ergonomic computer chair looking for a high conversion rate. After looking at several areas in the original copy Kneelsit difficulties (can be seen here: http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-original.html), I began to rewrite the home page with a specific goal in mind.

The Rewrite

I really feel for the users of this seat. They have back issues and medical issues, trying desperately to get help. I can only imagine how it feels to sit in pain all day, every day. And, after seeing so many false claims another chair, I can understand how they might be skeptical. So, after reading a copy of the new home page, I want visitors to have faith, to see the difference in the chair and Kneelsit understand the benefits this will offer chair.

Of course, those who are chronically ill are not the only visitors to the site Kneelsit. While their main segments, the audience also consists of people who are mild back pain, they are not inconsistent problems or simple fatigue, and those who just want a comfortable chair that will not contribute to any future back problems. Copies are also required to meet their needs and provide information they seek.

You can see the revised copy here: http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-new.pdf.

The Headline

The original headline was, in fact, a list of benefits. Mention:

Superb Comfort, Perfect Posture, Movement Gentle, Natural Balance

However, only one of the benefits of talking to the audience … Superb Comfort. While the posture may be a secondary thought, gentle movement and balance of nature strike a chord not only because of lack of knowledge. Incidentally, two important benefits, but the general public does not understand what it means. This will require the site to educate visitors about the two before they will understand their full meaning. That education can not take place in the title (not enough room!), So the two benefits that need to be removed.